365 Letters to Myself
February 19th - Dare to feel the feelings...
Is this daring me, directly – as someone who keeps feelings in most situations well-guarded. I am someone though that is not as shy when it comes to taking a risk otherwise. What is this saying?
When I attempt to understand the ‘lack’ of feelings, I can see a path for how it came to be. It seems I had a difficult time developing a mother-daughter bond, with the perfect brother before me and a pregnancy/traumatic premature birth of my sister at 3 years old – my coping apparently was to become independent, strong, pleasing, steady, separate. It has served me, my career and life as I strive to achieve, because it comes natural. I like being independent, strong and steady. I have had to learn to be less a people pleaser and more my own self. I am learning to realize how separation allows me to protect being hurt. Through it all, there has been plenty of times, I wish I dared to feel more presence, more emotionally – in key situations.
Given that I am capable of seeing a dare through (aka risk), I suppose it is possible to and I do occasionally, attempt to feel the feeling. A significant life change will do that to you. When the opportunity lies before you to write a second chapter a fair amount of introspective goes on, along with insight on what I want to do with this new knowledge. A couple cracks exposed but absolutely no crumbling!
There are no chapters that cannot be written, just ones that will not be unwritten.
Hmmm, or live with the results…day 209!
Thank you if you choose to join the journey. Let's hope it is more fun than tears!