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365 Letters to Myself

September 7th, Monthly Awareness...

September is ‘National Suicide Prevention Month’. A crisis that I wish I could have some effect on. In my circles, I can easily count more than half a dozen occurrences within seconds…more if I continue to think deeper about it. Methods range from hangings, to shootings, to substance overdose, to (I don’t even believe it yet) hit by train. We are being made aware they are on the rise, particularly in concerning age groups.

Not a proud moment, my intensity for it may coincide with I thought about it. At that time, in that moment, I felt alone, sad, struggled to see overcoming the hard to describe pain, that included an incredible sense of worthlessness, I recall having inside. I thought about the how. I did not and had no plans to tell anyone, that was key. But then, rather than convinced others would be better without me, I didn’t want to face them if I lived. Sounds terrible but this thinking, I might fail at it, stopped me. Behind such a thought, I was able to contemplate the what if, the future, the consequences...the outcome, involving others – brought a fear that motivated me. So, I like to believe I can empathize. Though, respectfully, I am not suggesting or saying, I know how anyone else is feeling, coping.

I am curious what opportunity for prevention exists in that moment, I found myself. Perhaps to honor the month, it’s time to revisit my desires and the work I have started, to see if there is anything I can offer. And I must always act upon my urges to reach out, as I continually live wondering, if I would have made the call rather than putting it off until tomorrow – would I be able to maintain a fondness for trains, rather than the mixed feelings that come up when I see/hear them now.

Hmmm, in a single moment…day 54!

Thank you if you choose to join the journey. Let's hope it is more fun than tears!

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