July 17th, Guilty as Charged...
Still sticks with me, the day my roommate asked, “If you didn’t feel guilty, would you feel anything at all?” She nailed it, I agreed, because it was true… “I’m sorry” was a constant reply I gave others. What was I apologizing for…I don’t even know, remember…something, myself, not meeting expectations, and being a person of strong personal responsibility, I should have been able to do something about it? Nowadays, defining guilt through a dishonoring of values too, I seem to carry guilt around ‘family’. What could I have done differently? Why wasn’t I more prepared? Was the life I gave my boys growing up a bunch of untruths? But leveraging my accountability trait more, I decipher what is within my direct control, and what to no longer 'take personal'. Love, love the book, The Four Agreements, life changing! I pause to determine what might be behind the guilt and it can be a struggle to properly challenge the fixer in me that wants to just ‘make it better’. Writing about this, I didn’t like feeling guilty as much as I did. It messed with my self-esteem, always claiming to be wrong. As a colleague once noted as well, it was making me appear weak, which was not flattering for my role and position. Hearing that was, is still a motivator. I have a too strong of a foundation and character of strength. I will NOT be associated with weakness. So abundantly blessed by those that lovingly offer opinions for me to consider. I can always choose what to do with them.
Hmmm, not guilty… Day 5!
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