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365 Letters to Myself

August 5th, Repeat-again...

After listening to myself go on about my current situation with mom, admitting I do not want to listen to myself anymore, I was reminded of an exercise I was given in my early 20’s – as ‘therapy.’

My first ‘official’ boyfriend/relationship was one of those loves that had high/highs but low/lows. We loved, cared about, and understood each other for the 4 on off years we were together but watching from the outside was difficult for others (and occasionally my safety was questioned). This came up particularly after a night he could not reach me, for a good reason-I was picked up for a DUI, and his concern/fear was coming out physically (he never touched me, ever). A concerned friend saw to it that this was going to be the event that ended the relationship and actions were taken to ensure that. One thing I was advised to do – call the crisis hotline and tell them my relationship story, I think for 10 days straight, maybe it was only a week.

I thought this seemed extreme and crazy, but I started. I wasn’t exactly sure of all the reasoning, but it became apparent quickly. First, it was the gentle counseling that my situation was not healthy and or a ‘normal’ relationship. Which felt validating and supportive, obviously a bit sad. Then it shifted to become annoying to keep hearing myself repeatedly and not do something differently about it. Thus, the strength to see through breaking our ‘addiction’ to each other and this time not go back for more (he wasn’t open to us reconciling anymore either over other actions taken – a win/win?).

Over a decade later, we did happen to reconnect, talk things through and he admitted, apologized “It was not your fault, it was me.” Generous, but relationships are a 2-way street. Moms give and give their whole lives, it is not too much to ask that I be there when she needs, without repeating over and over to anyone that will listen, what may be my own struggles and frustration.

Hmmm, a broken record-can't play music…day 23!

Thank you if you choose to join the journey. Let's hope it is more fun than tears!

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