September 21st, On a ride...
I do not know what is going on! The last week or so, if I didn’t know better than I was a grounded person, I would swear I was on a virtual rollercoaster ride of emotions. This is a very uncomfortable place for me. Overall, I see myself as calm, even keel, patient, balanced – not to say I haven’t had my fair share of moments or outbursts. Lately though, too often I find myself wanting to cry, then wanting to stay in control. Up, down, around the bend I seem to go, and truth told, not a big ride person. If I was to pick one, it would be the rollercoaster because it doesn’t spin like other rides. Perhaps, that is my problem, I am stuck on a Tilt-a-Whirl…my head spinning, a bit nausea, struggling to find my equilibrium. Yikes!
The underlining reasoning persists – and I am so tired of it. There will be no answers, likely no apologies, change, or forgiveness, consequences remain to be seen. Why do I even seek any of it anymore is the bigger question. As I wrote the words in my heart, while brain dumping today…I know my truth and I know that God wants good for me and my family. This is all I need to remember when the spinning starts…my motives are pure, my life blessed, my outlook for the presence of light and love. I just have to sit back, maybe raise up my hands to the sky and let the ride proceed. The days, currently, are taking me on a ride find the ‘thrill’ in them, eventually the ride will have to stop.
Hmmm, ready to get off…day 68!
Thank you if you choose to join the journey. Let's hope it is more fun than tears!