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365 Letters to Myself

November 30th, Not the best news...

Tough day at the cardiologist yesterday. Not necessarily surprising, but difficult to hear and now what?!

Mom has wanted to be seen as a person, not treated based on the statistics and she’s desired to recover her way from heart failure-triple bypass, prescription free. Both stances are fine – until the consequences of the choices catch up with you, particularly because you didn’t ‘change’ anything in your lifestyle. Same diet, same activity, same vices. Am I to blame – I’ point things out but not interested in being the nagging daughter or treating her like a child (not that she will withstand either, particularly from me)

I find myself stuck in the middle as I see the disbelief, sadness in mom while interpreting the matter of fact, perhaps frustration in the Cardiologist, from her toolbox being rejected and at the inevitable place of trying to band aid 2 lost years. Mom wanted quality, not quantity, so we thought was the agreement. Now mom doesn’t want to give up, she claims she 'feels relatively good'.

We’ll do what comes next, then see from there. Personally, not crazy for mom to put her body and self through medical procedures if they will be difficult on her physically and what will be the mental effect, anxiety has already shown up, big.

It’s become complicated in ways I did not anticipate…and challenging my proven tough emotions. Have many thoughts and feelings going on inside, while trying to know the ‘right’ way to be outside. Still telling myself, it is best to be an 'only' child through it-others aware, made their choices. Nothing is going to be straightforward here out and the reality of the outcome, whether months or years, is bringing me sorrow.

Hmmm, deal with it…day 137!

Thank you if you choose to join the journey. Let's hope it is more fun than tears!

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