365 Letters to Myself

July 22nd, Sisters...

Today is my sister's birthday but I won't be sending any wishes, personally. We don't talk anymore. We don't go to movies, dinner. We don't celebrate holidays, occasions. No relationship - because I asked to be left alone, until there was an admission of what was unjustly done to me and my family. Apparently, she feels the ultra-extreme actions justified as there appears to be no interest in making the gesture...it's been 6 years! To say it doesn't hurt would be untruthful. It, at this point, being the why, the how.

I used to believe we had a great relationship. We were how you describe sisters to be - there for each other emotionally in conversation, presence - her and I could have some deep talks (even if it was her calling after midnight, on a work night). Now, I have to question, how much was true and untrue growing up. What feelings lied underneath for so long that made it possible for what's happened. I get siblings can be competitive, jealous, mean at times and perhaps foolishly I thought not having to deal with these issues made us special. Those were my feelings. I do not want to assume, but it appears hers are different. For the depth of how these have now shown up, likely they were hanging around, built upon, for quite a while. Trust, the foundation of relationships, completely gone for me. I must tell myself what broke is not meant to be fixed but let go.

Every day I pray she and her family are blest, that love will replace (what I deem), the lies, jealously, hate and greed. With each passing day the path back is becoming longer, and I have to accept a return to being together on it is unlikely. May she enjoy her birthday.

Hmmm, no more… Day 10!

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